By now, you’ve probably heard that Fernando Abad lost an arbitration suit with the Red Sox meaning a guy who just pitched in 46 2/3 innings over 57 games in his age 30 season is not going to get the $2.7 million dollars he feels he deserves. Instead, the Sox will pay a cool $2 million, well above the $1.25 million he made last year. $2 million to have the privilege to be a second tier lefty for a World Series contender, essentially backing up the almighty Lawnmower .
But let’s back up for a second and analyze this process of arbitration. For #idiots like me, I had to look it up. In a nutshell, Party A says they deserve X from Party B. Party B says, ‘nah, you deserve Y.’ If A and B can’t figure out how to C their way to agreement, some rando third parties rule, and that rule is final. This is awesome. We need an app for that.
Headphones in, phone out, slow walk, yuge back pack. You know the guy. Pulls out the CharlieCard, expects to pay $2.25 and head to his brotastic cube farm gig Downtown. Except the T gods reject this reasonable offering, and request $5 because someone’s gotta pay for this Green Line extension. Perplexed and angered, he calls an arbitrator. Each side defends their offer, and after the hearing, the arbitrator sets today’s fare at $4.50 because that guy sucks.
Think of the possibilities. Burrito bowl at Chipotle skimping on the meat? Arbitrate. $5 burrito bowl plus guac and your choice of unopened Tobasco. Beer coming out of the tap flat and stale? Arbitrate. Quarter bottles for the next 30 minutes. Bruins Balcony tickets for a Wednesday night tilt against the Hurricanes for $70*? Arbitrate. $15 tickets and passes to the MFA to filter out the visual garbage you’re about to witness. *Seriously, will Pasta ever score again? One goal since Christmas? Come on, boys*
Moral of the story is we need the nerds out there to figure out a way to get a team of arbitrators out there to handle all the petty shit that drives us nuts on a dreary January day.
*Someone not named Rask in goal